Glory and Gold
by Burning November
Summary: Sebastian writes a collection of diary-like letters to Ciel for the future he knows they will never have together. Ciel has been left in the dark until he finds the letters on the day after Sebastian's departure. His departure is eternal.


_Title: _Glory and Gold

_Author: _Burning November

_Pairing: _SebastianCiel of Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler

_Genre: _Romantic tragedy

_Summary: _Sebastian writes a collection of diary-like letters to Ciel for the future he knows they will never have together. Ciel has been left in the dark until he finds the letters on the day after Sebastian's departure. His departure is eternal.

_**Beta**_**: Memnoch's Heart**; owe her so much credit for all the help she's been. Thank you so much! ^-^

#72 – Presentiment

Young Master,

This is the last of my preparation.

You have questions and I have questions, too; yours will be answered in due time. I would regret requiring your patience for this, but I'm afraid it is so.

Most of your questions will be answered when you finish reading these letters. And my questions? Well, that is not your priority, now is it?

But it is solely crucial for me to tell you one, single thing

#1 – Wonder

The way you carry yourself is sometimes questionable, my Lord. Please forgive me for my rather harsh words, but I do worry about you at times – many times. Are you not satisfied with the Kingdom you have created? The intricate construction you have slaved through to make a thing of utter flawlessness? You have spent hours making it this way. Of course, you can always do better, my Lord, but I do think you have worked ambitiously for an impressive amount of time. I would say rest is well-deserved.

You are the gold, the glory of this empire. And if that alone does not assure you of the sovereign you behold, I must again question your state of mind... is something lacking, my Lord? Is there something you so desire to have?

...It is a thing of wonder.

#2 – Timing

I sincerely apologize for the digression... it is unlike me to hide things from you.

Your patience, my Lord, is still required. I am somehow unstable upon the matter I must introduce you to

Not yet. I assure you that I will attempt to answer as many questions that you may have.

I know what is to come – eventually – but, I wish to only focus on the present. The present is the only promise I wish to have.

For now.

But I hope it will change and become everlasting. Forevermore.

Yet again, I cannot tell you the entire truth at all times.

#3 – Gentleman

I cannot believe the fortune I had in gaining a young Master as yourself. Could you imagine if I were to be chosen by Elizabeth? _Mmmm-_ha_, _I knew they could not come any better than you the moment I first glimpsed at you; was first summoned by you.

Truthfully, if I were a mere human citizen of this sad society, I would sincerely bow down to my most-deserving young Earl. It is dumbfounding how to the cruel world, you are a cruel Earl. To me, you are crafted of such beauty – such perfection – for a human.

The only gentleman amongst the entirety of the human population.

"_This is an order, Sebastian."_ Your words heavy and sweet like honey on my tongue. _Ah_, young Master, you are the greatest of all; you are a lovely masterpiece.

Do not change. Forevermore, do not change.

#5 – Curiosity

Out of all the questions I have dealing with human nature, there is one in particular that I cannot answer, even with my (ever-expanding) knowledge:

_Love... _what exactly is it that you humans call _love? _Is it when a man and woman join arms in marriage? Is it selfish, rude, unkind, miserable? Is it _hope_ for a future, a life, with another?

Do you "love" Elizabeth, young Master? Is that why you must marry her? Have her parents condemned you to "love" her for a lifetime? Have your parents done the same to her?

Or perhaps _there is no love_. Perhaps there only hate, only spite, only selfishness.

Try as I might, it is something I cannot understand.

#8 – Lessons

Oh, our dancing lessons. Today was a day for the waltz.

You should know that you have grown to be a delightful dancer, young Master. I still sense uncertainty as you move about; you have doubt in yourself. It should not be that way, as I have taught you quite well, if I may be so bold. Your hands are light against mine, and your feet swiftly follow the melody, which was quite enticing. The music, I entail. I know I should not blame the smooth and tender tune of the orchestra for how enraptured I became in our movements, but would it not be ridiculous of me to say it was

#9 – Secrets

You are looking out the horse carriage's window as I write this. We will see if you turn your head and become suspicious, but you look at the field of flowers – nothing but dandelions and grass – with such intent, such soberness. I wonder what it is that has captured your mind. My last guess would be the dull pattern of yellow and green. After all, you had been beaming before we departed Elizabeth's.

As for me, it is my own curiosity that has captured my mind. Or perhaps it was your light nature I could not help but observe as we left. It makes me wonder as I reflect back on it. It makes me wonder if I have ever made you truly _smile_ before. Have you ever been beaming around me, young Master? Have you ever been beaming _because_ of me?

_Mm, _what a ludicrous thing to ask you, I must reason. I mean, it is just a marvel of mine, and I do understand my place in your Kingdom as a servant. Yet, I still wonder... does a servant deserve even the quickest glimpse of the curl of his master's mouth?

...My curiosity shall never be fulfilled, but – indeed – that is the last of my concerns.

#11 – Silence

Have you ever noticed, young Master, that silence has a feel to it?

There is a profound difference when I am alone in silence and when I am with you in silence; when I am alone, the silence is a grip around my neck.

That is all right with me.

What does bother me is that I soon will lose circulation from it. Which, of course, is no _news_ to me. I have known this for a while. Time just has not eased my dread in the slightest.

So until this nightmare decides upon its own relevance, I will wrap myself around the silence we share when we are together: the present; this promise.

#12 – Noise

I enjoy our talks – however overly-sentimental that may sound. Still, it is nothing but – nothing far from – the truth. I enjoy our _conversations_, and perhaps that is finer phrasing for our acts of exchanging words and ideas with one another. I do like comparing it to an invitation to each other; an invitation into the inner-workings of our minds. That is the sort of feeling I get from it, and, if I may be so bold to state that I do not think you are this personal with Elizabeth – simply just for an example. From what I have seen, I do mean.

It is interesting how we share the same ideas about the cruelty of humanity. I mean, how can some individuals tolerate themselves? Just yesterday as I was looking out the window of the horse carriage, a woman in a darklit alleyway was taking off layers upon layers of clothing for her small child so the young one did not freeze from the weather. Really, do people not think for themselves any more? A child – a mere child – the woman was trying to save!

Well, I must admit that I am getting ahead of myself yet again, young Master. I do apologize, as these entries are supposed to be something you look back on in memory of your humble servant after my, well...

But I digress – again. Returning to the subject of our talks now. I do... fancy the _noise, _the _feel_ of them.

#16 – Loss

What is it that continues to make your nature, your posture, so heavy? I hope to not make this questioning seem like an interrogation... it is simply an inquiry brought up by concern. What I cannot help but to compare it to is sinking in quicksand. I wonder if you will ever turn back from it.

You have not spoken a word to me about any heavy concerns.

Do you hide something from your servant, my Lord? Have I lost your trust somehow?

I apologize if it is I who has impacted your poise.

It is similar to a loss in the Phantomhive manor, seeing you like this.

#18 – Present

Whoever named the 'present' so must have intended to make a mockery of me. What if the present is gift-like in some places and trash in others? What if I can focus on nothing except the _future; _for, what the future holds is

I try and sound the word out as if the mystery it carries will unravel and reveal itself if I do so.

Future.

Nothing. No mystery solved; no troubles solved. But I cannot say that I'm surprised.

And why? Why is this that I find it so difficult to not focus on the future?

I suppose I am rather sinful that way, but what is it about me that is _not_ sinful?

A jeer bubbles up from the depths of my cold soul... but I do not feel like laughing this time.

#23 – Concern

As I was undressing you before you were to rest, you felt frail in my hands. Small. Pretty. Breakable. Different.

I was as gentle as I could be because of this. I now wonder if you had noticed the change. ...Was it unmistakable? Quite obvious? Am I not always gentle with the young Master?

It is my hope that I am. Hope as I may, I do think you noticed the modification.

As I began buttoning up the back of your nightgown, you gave me a frightened feeling: you nearly fell back onto me; your back following your head as it first fell against my stomach. My hold on you tightened slightly in fear of your welfare.

But you just stayed there, your head against my stomach. At first, I could not think of the best response, for your eyes had fluttered shut and the look on your face was one of peace. I did not want to disrupt you, but

I knew what you needed. I have become familiar with this face, with this body language.

So I picked you up; carefully, carefully, to ease you down into the center of your bed, as you always like to be, before covering you with your sheets. I looked at your with such worry, such concern before whispering the words "good-night" and "sweetest dreams" in your small, frail ear.

#24 – Holding

You do not seem to recall what happened the previous night. I know if I provoked the issue enough, you may be able to, but it is not of my main concerns.

I merely played around with the memory, lightly brought it up, yet you did not suggest any trace of remembrance. I did not want to press the issue any further, as it was just my curiosity – as it always is – that was bringing out the inner workings of me. But I have grown strong in suppressing this evil from the dark depths of my soul, so I stopped myself.

I was getting you ready for bed – again, as I always do before you sleep – by undressing you and helping you with your nightgown. I used my gentlest hands. I made sure of it.

And you fell back onto me again, so gently. Like it was the draft in the room itself that thrust you back. But what you did after was not the same as last night, how your eyes fluttered shut and your body became still – no. Your hands reached toward your sides, exactly where my hands lay, and I suddenly felt this warm... chill creep up from the tips of my fingers. I did not have to look down to know your hands were resting ontop of mine. _For what, _I wondered – selfishly, without a clue.

_For my compassion; for my devoted time._

I did not know at the time. The one time where words would have spoken louder than actions... I could not guess sprucely.

You held onto my hands, and I held onto nothing but the worry of the future; I slipped my hands from under yours and carried you to your bed without a word.

#25 – Lost and Found

It occurred to me that you did not want to go to bed this night, young Master. You desired to stay up, to wait until the sun rose again. You would not allow me to help get you ready for bed.

But if I may be completely honest, I knew you needed sleep from just taking one brief look at you: the shades of dark purple and blue whispering on your skin, under your two sapphire eyes that were saturated with exhaustion.

You have not spoken of any recent trouble sleeping, but I could not dismiss the signs that appeared so clearly on your delicate face. At the same time, I knew sleep would only be a minor aid in helping you with your bothers. Even so, I will only allow myself to ask about your secretive inner troubles once in a blue moon, for I know you are growing wearisome of my endless questioning. I am growing wearisome from watching your helplessness, but this is nothing I can presently help.

So I allowed you to stay there, on the balcony that reaches out from your room, and I watched the moon and stars peek through the dark night sky with you in that silence I keep in a tightly-sealed bottle at all times.

I watched you reach your hand out toward a star... but I knew it was not the star you were reaching for.

I knew what you were reaching for, Young Master.

#27 – Skin

I did not realize myself reaching for your limb until you tossed your _marine_ blue hair back and made this sort of gasping sound.

I immediately regretted it, yet I could not pull my hand back. I assure you that the last thing I intended to do was to frighten you, but I could not dismiss the plush feel of your skin. Truly, I was expecting a blow to my cheek or a scold from my young Master, which I most certainly would not have held bitterness against. For ever frightening you, I would deserve the lowest blow. But I instead heard whispered words, which I remember exactly.

"Sebastian," you murmured.

...My very name, in your hush voice.

"Sebastian, are you going to make love to me?"

You asked, but you did not _ask._ The feeling, I cannot describe well. But it was as if you knew my forthcoming, deeply-thought-through actions, yet you wanted to hear my confirmation.

I immediately said, "Yes."

And your response

I think what I felt was relief as I carried you back to your bedroom.

#28 – Barriers

I remember relishing at the fabric of your nightgown as I unbuttoned it from the first small, white knob, which was sewn onto the fabric at the base of your neck. I continued all the way to the base of your back. I apologize now if the length of the act felt similar to eternity, but I did not know how many more of these treasures I would get. So I treasured and I cherished and I relished.

#29 – Breath

I was not feeling tense at the time, but I could not stop panting as my heart raced along. I cannot explain to you why even now this was an event, but I can tell you that my heartbeat never did slow down for-

#30 – Just

Tell me how your body is so perfect, young Master.

How is it _so_? I lay my hand on your naked thigh and I must take five seconds to catch my breath. Even thinking about it now, _oh-_

#31 – Right

You lay before me on the bed naked; pure, frail, so _enticing. _I want to sink my hungry teeth into your skin, feast on your perfection. Make you feel right again. Give you what you were reaching for. All along.

I want to make every moment of this expedition last; make it last until time itself ends and promises to ignite with passion; until it becomes my only future and I press my mouth on yours, like my soul itself is reaching and clawing out for you. _Lips, tongues, teeth, _oh,we became one in the instant I began feasting on your deliciousness- _oh, _Young Master, you are so _appetizing._

And there was no shame as our bodies intertwined and there was only _now – right now, _and the room began to spin all around us with flying colors

#32 – One

And we are one with our pleasure, our present, our promises.

#33 – Together

We slept together. The same bed, our bodies naked and intertwined.

It felt so good. So good with your fingers resting between mine, like you intended on holding onto me even if you were about to be torn away.

#34 – Ashes

I did not sleep. I watched with a rare smile spread across my face – purely from joy – as you got your well-deserved rest. It was a treat to see you in such deep peace, and I did not require rest at the time.

_'Good-night' _and '_sweetest dreams', _Young Master. May your troubles burn to ashes.

#34 – Wake

You awaken with tender eyes and a kind face.

#35 – Light

Young Master, is there no longer a weight you hold on your shoulders as you go about the day? It is as if you are dancing with

You are light again; your hands light as feathers, feet swift against the sturdy floor. It is a pleasure to see, so much that there is one less weight lifted off of my own shoulders.

But another one has taken its place.

#38 – Misunderstanding

I do wish to have your full understanding before I, well, depart, young Master. I wish to have your full understanding upon the issue of my departure.

But it is becoming even more difficult to explain.

#55 – Sin

Dirt is what got me into

Sin and dirt and grease and grime and

It is sickening. And I am a sick being, young Master. You should have stayed far away from me, ordered me to leave, not have wanted me.

Yes, I am lust and greed and sloth and envy and gluttony and pride and wrath. I am all of them and I cannot turn back from what I have become and what has become of it.

#56 – Cruelty

Time does not stop.

#58 – Lies

And I promised you with

#59 – Facts

_I will not get your soul._

_I am still your butler._

_Claude wanted your soul._

_Claude _

_will get your soul. _

_Claude has the sword._

_I must leave soon._

#65 – Proverbs

Of course. I was right. Love is selfish, love is spite.

I am love, and love is me. I am in love with you.

I am in a selfish battle and it is only bloody and deathly and grotesque because I am in love.

_Love is not patient, love is not kind..._

#67 – Worry

about you. What might you do after my departure? Will you scream? Shatter? Break. Cry. Hurt. Kill.

Surrender.

Please do not try and relocate me, young Master. You are strong on your own. You will manage. And this is the way it must be. For your sake and for mine.

For my selfishness

As for me, well, as I

Please do not let me be your concern. I am just your humble servant, my Lord, though we have shared many... many memories together. They will be held in that tightly-sealed bottle I carry with me at all times, at all costs.

I thank you for everything you have done for me. But your soul has aged and marinated in your glory, which Claude

Mm. Well. Be well without me, young Master. Young... Ciel.

#70 – Hunger

You smell like glory and gold.

#71 – Distaste

_Why _must you smell like glory and gold, young Master?

_~Au revoir~_


End file.
